Ever since I read the ‘Jake Colsen’ book, I’ve been visiting ‘The God Journey’ blog/podcast hosted by Wayne Jacobsen and Brad Cummings. I love listening to the weekly podcast as I begin my own journey into intimacy with God.The freedom that I am experiencing now is the freedom of knowing that I’m not perfect nor will I ever be. Irregardless of which, God still and always have love me despite of my weaknesses and imperfection. I’ve always had this notion that I have to be pure and religious to be a ‘true’ Christian. For me to ever experience the Lord’s presence, I have to make sure that I’ve already repented from all my impurities and sins. Even then, how can I ever be sure that I will remain pure? No way man! We will never be perfectly pure no matter how religious we are. Having realized this, and knowing that Jesus loves me no matter what, touches my heart to very core.
There are times in my life that I looked back on the day when the Holy Spirit first touched me. No words can ever express the wonder I felt from experiencing the intimacy with the Creator. I was 10 years old when God’s spirit first touched me. I was at the back of my father’s pick-up truck staring at the sky above me. The feeling was surreal. I felt safe and calm in His presence, instantly knowing that He is enjoying the moment with me. From that moment, I’ve always seek to know Him better. Back then, I read the bible and pray everyday not because I have to, but because I enjoy to. I remembered reading all the stories of the patriarchs and the kings of old and marveled at their bravery, faith, and steadfastness. My favourite kings are David and Solomon. I love the stories of Samuel, Daniel, Elijah and Elisha too. I read the bible from cover to cover and never grew tired of reading the Gospels and the Acts of the Apostle.
As I grew up and learned the harsh reality of living independently outside the comfort and protection of my parents, I started to have doubts in my mind; started to loose touch with the calmness of residing in the presence of the Holy Spirit. My heart hardens and the practice of faith becomes a showboating experience.
Along the way, I met up with the love of my life, Betty. She pulls me out from the darkness of the abyss and re-ignite the passion that I’ve always have in me. God becomes the centre of our relationship and we grew stronger in Jesus. Years gone by and again, the harshness of the world caught us up. We were overly consumed by the need of validation from the people around us. We were afraid to make mistakes for fear of the judgements of others. Although we perform our religious duties by attending the Sunday Mass, celebrating the feast of the saints, reciting the rosary every now and then, etc, etc, we strayed far from God’s intimacy and He no longer becomes the pillar of strength in our relationship. Our financial needs become our first priority in life.
One of the podcast that I listened to talks about ‘the performance trap’. I am still recovering from such trap. I’ve always had this feeling that bad things will happen to me or to my loved ones because of my sin. The guilt that I have in me at times became so unbearable that I felt dirty and inadequate to even pray, let alone to enjoy the presence of the Holy Spirit. I felt that God will snort at me if I even attempt to talk to Him unless I repented from my sin and ‘punish’ myself by committing to pray and read the scriptures everyday. After a while, praying and reading the scriptures becomes a chore for me; a way out from the feeling of guilt inside of me. It’s no longer something that I wanted to do wholeheartedly but something that I thought I must do to be a good Christian.
O Lord! How I long to be in Your presence, to feel you and to smell your sweet fragrance, to love You and to be loved just the way I am. I long to go back to that day at the back of my father’s pick-up truck when You first talk to me and embrace me in the depths of your love. I know now that You’ve always love me for being me even in my sinful nature. For You see the beauty in the mess that I call my own.
For me and Betty, the journey back to the Father has just begun. It’ll be tough but it’ll be worthwhile. I’m excited…
